I really hate talking about Twitter because I realize that not everyone feels the need to publicly jerk themselves every two hours and so, I risk alienating a lot of people. Luckily, that’s something I’m comfortable with.
I make an effort to ignore most of the trending topics that pop up on Twitter because most (all) of them are fucking stupid but at the same time, I can’t stop watching. I don’t know how to explain this almost pleasurable frustration that occurs when I see that ‘Goodnight’ is trending again or that a group of people feel the need to actually celebrate Joe Jonas’ birth. It’s the same feeling I get when I watch morbidly obese mothers turn their daughters into the fourth drag queen of To Wong Foo and make them strip for a really big plastic crown. Pageant moms aside, today I noticed a particularly pernicious trending topic referred to as #uknowhowiknowuregay which speaks more for itself than I ever could.
Here are some examples:
@The_real_guru #uknowhowiknowuregay If you don’t like no sports.
This applies more to #uknowhowiknowudonthaveahighschooldiploma more than it does #uknowhowiknowuregay, but I guess sticking it to those ‘fags’ is ultimately more important.
@TheRealMcFly #uknowhowiknowuregay after u shit u go grab a baby wipe to wipe yo ass cuz u say tissue hurt u….man up nigga and use some
Because masculinity is directly proportional to how tough your asshole is. Wait…
@kennjr #uknowhowiknowurgay because you’re wearing your sister underwear
Sister…underwear.
@truthful: #uknowhowiknowurgay when u get upset at this being a trending topic! haha boohoo
At this point in the trend, I think ‘gay’ ceased to be synonymous with ‘undesirable’ and shifted its meaning to ‘not a dumbass.’
I guess conjugating verbs is gay too, because it is scarce in this trending topic. Notice that it is trending…twice*, because apparently #uknowhowiknowuregay isn’t illiterate enough. I’m usually slow to jump on Lewis Black’s You’re An Idiot bandwagon, because I’ve done enough stupid shit in my life to eclipse Oprah’s wig collection, but nothing pisses me off more than a group of people imposing their own insecurities and shortsighted beliefs on the lucky few who aren’t yoked to what is clearly a severe lack of education.
* If you’re perceptive, you’ll notice that my only saved search is @JohnStamos. By the time I noticed this, the two were no longer trending simultaneously and so, I had to stick with this screen shot. I’ll fess up–I’m kind of trying to nab John Stamos and maybe if he’s cool with it (or drunk enough), have his children. I’m really trying to get this moving along, so if you know him, put in a good word for me?
