I made cookies. They taste like butter rolled in sugar aka amazing, but they didn’t succeed at maintaining their intended holiday shapes. As a result, many of them came out looking like the cookie version of Tori Spelling’s boob job. So I had to make the best of the situation and turn everything into genitals:
Candy cane and snowman...ish
And yes, I know what a real vagina looks like – despite what my craftwork may lead you to believe. The penis, I believe, is spot on so I don’t even want to hear it.
OK, so Mother wouldn’t help him put his hilarious Halloween costume together. Now he’s waving his dick around like a gun, holding the entire internet hostage until someone lonely enough accepts his offer to mix some “stuff.” I mean, I didn’t get invited to any Halloween parties this year (don’t worry, these are happy tears), but I have to think that if I did, then I would have enough friends to help me make a lifelike mold of my genitals. That is how friendship works…right?
Anyway, I’ve assisted in making a penis mold. The only difference is that it wasn’t kind of kit where you can make a usable (or chocolate) replica of your penis, because I chose the cheap route and bought one of those precious memories kits from a craft store. So instead of a baby’s foot or prayer hands, I got a ceramic dick that was at least 2/3 of the way to pleasure town. But that’s not the point.
The point is that I had to perform a sex triathlon to keep my dude at the time hard enough to get my $15 worth. It wasn’t easy and I’m pretty sure one of those soft-core Showtime pornos where everyone is dressed like Charles Darwin only sexier was playing in the background as I touched myself like I was on fire. So there’s more than mixing involved. Oh and I love his preference to have a girl who won’t “freak if by chance they saw anything.” Yeah, because what are the chances that I would see your dick while you are MAKING A MOLD OF YOUR DICK.
But whatever – you don’t have to do anything “nausty” (except, you know, maybe penetrate him with the finished product) and there’s probably some free Long John Silver’s in it for you.
So…ladies?
The other day, I was at Red Robin for what was at least the fifth time this month because I can’t just kill myself in one afternoon like everyone else, I have to do it as slowly and with as much ranch dressing as possible. While trying to pretend my turkey burger was something more than a feeble attempt to offer the illusion that I’m health conscious as long as there’s cheese, I was told that I should start writing about gender misconceptions but…in a way that’s funny.
I chewed on it, but couldn’t get excited about it. Mostly because repeating patriarchy over and over again or spelling ‘woman’ with a ‘y’ is never funny or even remotely enlightening. The last time I boarded that ship, I tried convincing my ex’s best friend that women are equal to men, but the response I got was something along the lines of, “Yeah, but that doesn’t apply in the real world.” I shrugged it off, because since this was coming from someone in their fourth year of community college, their concept of the real world was not one I was concerned with. But then I started thinking about what I could get excited about, and that, of course, is uncircumcised cock.
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Early to Bed recently sent me two products to review. Before I get into the good and the bad, I think it’s worth noting that Early to Bed is not the kind of place where you will see Big Wet Asses 12 or cheaply made vibrators that function more as cake toppers than they do sex toys. Early to Bed is ‘women oriented and guy friendly”, distributes their own informational videos about how to choose a vibrator or how to know which kind of lube is best for the job, and most importantly, they sell nothing but quality. You can shop online (with discount code LUBE for 10% off anything from the site) or if you live in the Chicago area, visit their store at 5232 N. Sheridan Rd.
Good Head “Oral Delight Gel” (Sweet Strawberry):
Blowjobs are fun for me, so I don’t need to raid Cold Stone of their topping selections just so I can willingly suck a dick. However, the Good Head is a nice diversion and admittedly, makes swallowing easier. It is surprisingly palatable and even, dare I say, tasty, which could have something to do with the fact that it reminds me of Fruit Stripe Gum. I am still trying to craft sexier ways to apply the Good Head, because right now, I am just kind of globbing it on like I’m putting sour cream on a baked potato. I don’t use my normal technique that I do with lube (by warming it up in my hands first) because while it is not sticky, I like for my hands to be somewhat free of substances other than, well…the usual fare. Warning: This is not a lubricant and I don’t recommend that it is used as such.
Ultimately, Good Head is a fun product that can be used if you are looking to show more enthusiasm when it comes to fellatio (and are motivated by jam-like substances), or if you need a simple change of pace. This is not an everyday toy for me, but it is definitely a fun treat.
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