Can we talk about my pubic hair for a minute? If I had my druthers, I would grow a bush so big it would become a threat to national security. But as it turns out, that kind of plumage really cuts down on the toe curling when I’m grinding face. So I choose to keep it trimmed, and for special occasions like when I’m trying to fuck with Al Gore and use as much hot water as possible, I’ll shave it off completely.
Luckily, my hair is trimmed now, which means that when I found a way to dye it, I could. I’m not sure how I came across the Betty Beauty products, but since my days are usually like one long, aimless walk in the forest that end only when I stumble upon a patch of sleepy-time mushrooms, I’ll probably never remember. The important thing is that I found a way to get rid of my dull dirty blond pussy toupee.
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I get a lot of visits from keyword searches relating to, or asking about, cunnilingus. Things like, “first time cunnilingus”, “what happens during cunnilingus”, and “cunnilungus mom”. I can’t help with the last one, but I…consider myself lucky for that.
As much as I talk about it, I rarely actually say cunnilingus in my every day life, and instead, opt for some sort of derivative of pussy eating, or if I’m feeling especially eager, I’ll say something like, “I want you to bury your head in between my thighs”. It may not be elegant, but when I need to grind a face, requesting something like, “Would you be so kind as to perform cunnilingus on me?” just isn’t as effective as, “Eat my pussy now.”
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I hope I’m not in the minority when I say that period sex is fucking amazing. Being on my period triples my sex drive, so I go from wanting sex twice a day, to wanting it six times a day. It’s as if Rick Moranis has engineered some sort of ray gun for my already hyper-active pussy, freaks out, and yells, “Honey, I blew up your libido”.
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I hate hippies. This is because most of them have iPods and think that buying a pair of TOMS will change the world. Despite this, I can get down on some things that are really crunchy.
Bear Naked Granola:
I haven’t met a Bear Naked granola that I don’t like. It has been part of my morning routine for a long time now, and if I plan my life responsibly (meaning, I don’t stay up until 3 am watching reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air), I can have enough time to mix it with yogurt. Since that almost never happens (damn you, Carlton), I end up grabbing the whole bag and deep throating it on my way to whatever obligation I wish I could ditch in favor of hanging out in my underwear and watching Spaghetti Cat on repeat. Bear Naked granola is actually a lot like an Egg McMuffin in that it’s filling, portable, and quick, but unlike an Egg McMuffin because it won’t cause you to punch extra holes in your belt.
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I know I spend a lot of time talking about vaginas, tampons and feelings. Lame. Vaginas are only cool if they’re gobbling dick, I get it. Ok, I’m kidding. I’m still going to talk about my vagina, but this time I’m going to do it while recommending what I like when it comes to men.
She Comes First:
Cunnilingus is the best gift a man can give me. When my current boyfriend went down on me for the first time, it took about one hour and when I was done, he came up for air fully clothed and just…held me. I know, I want to throw up too. But the point is–I was putty in his hands after that. This doesn’t mean you can start depositing saliva into someone’s vagina and claim some sort of ownership, but trust me, this is an investment that you will see return on. She Comes First is a great tool that uncovers the fallacy in the belief that putting a dick into any old hole will make a woman orgasm instantly. This straightforward guide to cunnilingus includes illustrated techniques, positions, and tips on how to make the woman in your life forget her name.
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