From the category archives:

SILS

SILS: Breville Juice Fountain Plus

May 17, 2009

Maybe you don’t know this, but I’m kind of a mountain man in the making. You know, one of those guys who hasn’t shaved since Jimmy Carter sent him a secret briefing in the form of an L.L. Bean Catalog that exposed Gillette for putting radio transmitters in their razors because they’re in cahoots with the government and it’s all so they can read your thoughts and find out if you really think FDR was a hero or just some cripple who got lucky? Yeah, that kind. I don’t make my own bacon…yet, but I do strive to only eat food that I’ve either made myself, or has fewer than 5 listed ingredients listed on the package. Yes, this is coming from the Queen of Biscuit Sandwiches, but I got sick of staring back at a fun house version of myself so that’s in the past.

breville-juice-fountain-plus

The first thing I had to tackle in getting my health back on track was my intake of sugar. I had an unhealthy relationship with cookies, cakes, chocolate, and candy, which is why I found it hard to stay in shape because I always craved some sort of dessert after every meal. I tried to find substitutions, things like apple slices, raisins, bananas, and even raw honey, but none of it ever fully satiated me long enough to keep me from my bag of chocolate chips. Eventually, I introduced fresh squeezed juice into my diet and found it to be instantly effective in eliminating sugar cravings and on top of that, I felt I had an immense amount of energy. The only problem was that non-pasteurized fresh squeezed juice was expensive. At around $6 for 20 ounces, I wasn’t able to have it very often and so I would inevitably revert back to deep-throating cannolis.

It’s only natural then, that I’ve joined the crystal clutching new age group of juicing. People who own juicers strike me as the kind that, if given the chance, would attempt to treat an aneurysm with a chilled cocktail of tomato, red bell pepper, beet, and carrot juice, and I know this because I am one. I recently received the Breville Juice Fountain Plus as a gift and after spending $30 on an orchard of fruit, I havent stopped using it. So far, I’ve juiced oranges, apples, mangoes, pears, strawberries, carrots, and lemons and it handles it all exceptionally well, without having to peel or cut anything (aside from the oranges). It’s easy to clean, easy to assemble and I love it.

This is also good for someone like me, who is 4 and refuses to eat anything green. I absolutely hate vegetables, so being able to juice beets, spinach and celery (or what I refer to as Cerberus) and hide it in palatable things like apple, carrot, and tomato is absolutely priceless to me, because I can no longer get away with eating tater tots and checking off my vegetable servings for the week.

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SILS: My Skin Needs Help

May 10, 2009

Neutrogena Rapid Clear 2-in-1 Fight & Fade Gel:

neutrogena-2-in-1-fight-fade-gelI don’t have much of a skin regimen. I probably should so I don’t end up with a turkey neck or something, but I’m usually too tired to care about dealing with cotton balls, toners, lotions and elixirs containing rare essential oils from the skin of a mongoose. So, that’s probably why I had a planet on my forehead the other day. Usually, I wouldn’t care too much, because I rarely see the light of day as it is, but my boyfriend’s parents were coming into town and I panicked, not wanting them to think their son’s girlfriend has leprosy. To give you an idea of how bad it was, when I walked out of the bathroom after wishing I was never born, my boyfriend shrieked, “WHAT HAPPENED?” and after confirming that it wasn’t a bullet wound, said, “You really are a unicorn.” Once I castrated him for making me feel uglier than John Goodman’s ass hair, I applied some Neutrogena Rapid Clear and went to bed. The next day, my planet was still there, but at least it had shrunk to down to a manageable sized Mercury from its original Jupiter-like proportions. It did dry my skin out, so I wouldn’t recommend using it for your entire face, just when you sprout a boil like I did.

Kiss My Face Peaches & Creme Moisturizer:

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I’ve only recently started using lotion, because I’ve found that I feel fucking sexy when I scrub my body down with my homemade salt scrub and generously apply lotion afterward. I want to keep this feeling alive, so I’ve gotten into the habit of doing this on a daily basis. I began using Kiss My Face Peaches & Creme lotion on my face because the 4% alpha-hydroxy content aids in exfoliation, which is good for me because my skin is too sensitive for scrubs and exfoliating cleansers. I started using it on my body and found in didn’t sting like some other lotions I’ve tried, plus I love the scent. Also, it’s paraben free, which awakens the incense burning hippy in me.

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SILS: Plan B

May 3, 2009

I had to get Plan B today, which is why this post is really late. I’m sorry, but I had to choose between delaying this post or my period and something tells me that $26 and a plastic crab shaped plate don’t qualify me for motherhood, so here we are. I guess it’s a moot point though because clearly, I didn’t even have any material until my cervix got into the business of devouring condoms.

So, I’m doing what I normally do. Only, I’ve added lube this time because sometimes it’s like my vagina is a pair of Isotoners and the dick is OJ Simpson’s hand and then eventually, people are outraged because someone got away with murder based on a catchy rhyme. I’m moving along with a particular favorite of mine, where I basically squat over the dick and use the strength of my thighs to bounce up and down. It’s effective, but it’s brutal on my legs and so after about 5 minutes, I’m ready to strangle my boyfriend and hope that he finds it sexy enough to blow his load. Anyway, he finishes after I desperately recount some of my filthiest fantasies, as I try to pretend that my legs aren’t burning like one giant herpes outbreak. In my haste to confirm that I would, in fact, walk again, I failed to notice that the condom had come off inside of me. I was relieved that after essentially fisting me, my boyfriend was able to remove it, but it meant that I had to put on pants to go to the pharmacy, which is the real tragedy of this whole thing.

Before leaving, we called to confirm that Plan B was in stock and that we would not be denied for being fornicating heathens, and established that although we were going to hell, we would be able to at least elect to opt out of the procreation raffle. On the way there, I was calm and mostly worried about showing up with no makeup and wet hair, imagining that the pharmacist would refuse us convinced that no one would fuck me while looking like Michael Jackson. Regardless, we got our Plan B and it was easy and painless. Unlike the first time I had to get Plan B, when the pharmacist looked at me like I was the one to hand over the nails at the crucifixion, causing me to walk away shamed and embarrassed.

The thing is–there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you find yourself in a situation where you need Plan B. Unfortunately, it’s been skewed that way, and the fact that it’s commonly referred to as the ‘abortion pill’ doesn’t help. Used responsibly, Plan B is an effective method in preventing pregnancy in the case that routine birth control methods have failed, or if none were used at all.

The moral is: keep fucking, keep loving and always be careful if you are trying to be the Hercules of cock.

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SILS: This Keyword

April 26, 2009

I’ll admit, I didn’t really have anything to talk about this week. I tried Pepsi Throwback and it tasted like…Pepsi. I used Goo Gone for the first time and it worked on all of the spots where I spilled syrup or caramel, intending to clean it up, but eventually shrugging it off figuring that I would just buy a dog to do the work for me. Oh, and Alka-Seltzer cured me of my cheesecake induced stomach ache and impending suicide. None of that is really interesting though.

Part (all) of me was tempted to just post a video of a cat and be like “look at this cat”, but then, I found this keyword pop up in my Google Analytics report:

how to tell if a vagina has been fucked a lot

Well, you don’t. This is like asking, “How many miles does this car have on it?” or “How many litters has this Labrador popped out?” It matters if you’re buying the vagina (dinners at Red Lobster don’t count), but otherwise, stop trying to be the Columbo of pussy. Vaginas (I refuse to use vaginae) aren’t property, although, on a more depressing note, sometimes they are.

I don’t know what kind of answer can be expected. It’s not like you can count the rings in a vagina in order to tell how many dicks have been in it, or scream into it and measure the frequency of the sound waves. Now that any possible scientific explanations are out of the way, I’ll tell you that vaginas can do anything. They’re like the potato of sex organs–delicious and versatile. I’ve never given birth, but I kind of want to so afterward, I can chest bump my vagina and buy it a drink, or something.

I remember having a conversation with a guy who told me he would be comfortable with swinging, but only if it meant that his partner wasn’t allowed to take a dick that was larger than him (in fear that it would stretch her out and he would no longer be able to climax in under 3 minutes, sigh, and roll over). Considering that he was 5 inches on a good day, this seemed to be what I would call an act in futility. But that’s the kind of bullshit at work here, that vaginas are supposed to be able to vacuum seal around any cock, and if for some reason they don’t, some sort of carbon dating needs to take place in order to measure whore factor.

So, if I could somehow pass a bowling ball through my butter boat, I would, because if there’s a vagina out there so stretched out that Ringling Brothers could set up shop underneath, I haven’t seen it.

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SILS: Cover Songs

April 19, 2009

Music is important to me, and I know I am a complete douche for saying that because it implies that I wear a beret everywhere I go and/or have a meaningful story to tell about how the Dave Matthews Band changed my life. Thankfully, neither is the case, but my point still stands. I’ve never thought of myself as someone who was into music, because I just assumed that everyone listens to Smash Mouth for the simple fact that they’re part of the 90s, or believes that Phil Collins is like, legitimately talented (don’t laugh). I remember my epiphany occurred when I told my boyfriend about Morrissey’s surprisingly large Latino fan base, and he replied with, “Who is Morrissey?”

So anyway, this week I’m highlighting some of my favorite cover songs. I don’t think I’ve ever listened to a cover song I didn’t like (aside from a cover of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” to which I say: you can’t make bread out of dog shit), and while it’s hard to only pick a few, I tried my very best to find as many as I could.

Tender Forever-My Love (Originally performed by Justin Timberlake):

I liked Justin Timberlake back when he had those lame frosted tips and was pretending not to bang Britney Spears. I can take or leave Future Sex/Love Sounds as a whole, but maybe I would be more enthusiastic if T.I. had come in to play the Ukulele on a few tracks, like Melanie Valera does in her version of “My Love”. I also suggest watching the video because Melanie has a really hot chap stick lesbian look going for her.

Cocoon-Kung Fu Fighting (Originally performed by Carl Douglas):

Cocoon takes a song that has forever been ruined by Rush Hour 3, and turns it into soft melody that could move you to tears. It will lull you into a calm, dream-like state, and best of all, it won’t remind you of Chris Tucker.

Jens Lekman-Water Runs Dry (Originally performed by Boyz II Men):

Ok, I can’t say that I like this more than the original, because Boyz II Men is my own personal Mecca. However, it did make me think a bit more about this song that I used to reserve as my cool down after I was done belting “On Bended Knee” . The thing about Boyz II Men, is that all of their songs have a template that essentially reads, “Don’t leave me, let’s make love instead.” Jens Lekman turns this into, “I love you, I hate when we fight, let’s have some brie with sun dried tomatoes.”

Daniel Rossen-Too Little Too Late (Originally performed by JoJo):

It turns out I don’t hate JoJo’s music, I just hate when she is singing it. Listening to Daniel Rossen (of Grizzly Bear) sing “Too Little Too Late” is bizzare (especially when he says “players”), but you would never know that it was originally done by a 13 year old with cornrows, which means that it is good.

Yael Naim-Toxic (Originally performed by Britney Spears):

I owe at least part of my body to Britney Spears, because without “Toxic”, I would be left with one uninspiring workout playlist. Yael Naim’s version doesn’t have the energy of the original, but that’s actually a good thing because as it turns out, it is the ideal song to listen to during sex.

Taken By Trees-Sweet Child O’ Mine (Originally performed by Guns N’ Roses):

This is just simply gorgeous. Listen to it, now.

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