I lived in Alaska as a kid and while that alone borders on child abuse, I did get out eventually. Before leaving on what ended up being hours of precarious mountain driving in a Cadillac Caprice with a transmission on the verge of signing its Dear John letter, I rifled through my mom’s cassette collection. Since I was nine-years-old and really only familiar with The Lion King soundtrack, much of it was lost on me. With an uncommitted gaze, I dismissed Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton and The Rolling Stones as if they were hanging on a sales rack at Old Navy.
But I was able to recognize one – Michael Jackson’s Dangerous. Its contents tore through the foam of my headphones throughout the entire trip. The only exception being “In the Closet,” when I would lower the volume because even though I didn’t know what it meant to “give it,” I figured that whatever it was would result in a conversation that I was too young to understand but old enough to feel embarrassed about.
Luckily, I’ve since grasped the concept. Which is why I’m able to appreciate Majela’s position on bearded men tickling her vagina:
After spending my afternoon perfecting the casual way in which she strums her vagina, I noticed the impressive cassette collection in her living room, or rather, shrine to the day that someone graduated from something. I can only hope that Dangerous is buried there somewhere and that, if given the opportunity, I’d have enough sense to swipe the cassettes that inspired her to sing about her “wet, wet, wet juicy vagina.”
Remember when Lisa Nowak, NASA astronaut in possession of the kind of insanity you can wear as a hat, drove from Texas to Florida to pull off a Jack Bauer-esque smack-down on Colleen Shipman for putting her bacon sandwich where it didn’t belong? I didn’t really either, until I heard Molly Lewis sing about it. Aside from being someone I’m really hoping is a lesbian so we can meet up for a..tête-à-tête, Molly Lewis is also an incredibly talented musician. She plays ukulele and sings about Depend Adult Diapers (sometimes). Additionally, she does a solid cover of Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’:
She is cool enough to let you download it for free and for you audio geeks out there, you can even acquire a quality exceeding 128 kbps. Jizzing yet? Check out her Youtube channel for a cover of Britney Spears’ ‘Toxic’ as well as her original material, which can be purchased here.
Now I have to kind of eat a dick and thank my ex for sending me proof that Molly Lewis exists. Way to go, ex. I take back all the mean things I said about you to my cat.
I know it may seem like I do this Boyz II Men shtick to be funny, but that’s mostly because the reality is too grim to face. My life is one that is centered around checking if the online Boyz II Men store has opened because it has been coming soon for months now and so I am starting to think that coming soon really means hahahahaha white girl. This is where I lose my patience because if manic depressive hipsters can put together an Etsy store dedicated to screen printing Sylvia Plath’s face on oven mitts, then surely these guys can take a break from pretending they’re Stevie Wonder and provide their 11 fans with some satisfaction.
All I want is a t-shirt. Preferably in black and maybe with a design where my face is superimposed on all of their microphones, so it looks like we’re making out. Oh, and they’re not allowed to sell it to anyone else but me. Out of my caravan of good ideas, this one surprisingly ranks as one of the least insane while simultaneously being the most impossible. However, I should note that my concept of insanity is probably skewed.
Either way, Boyz II Men is touring. I know, it sounded weird to me at first too. But whatever, I’m going. I have to. Even if I am 90% sure that it’s some sort of glitch or elaborate prank put on by all of the friends I don’t have because they just love me that much. At this point, the only thing keeping me hanging on is the fact that over half the venues are at state fairs and casinos. That is the kind of authenticity that only a 21 year old musical group, whose greatest success involves Lisa Turtle being in one of their music videos, can generate.
The show is in June (or Joon, I guess if we’re trying to stay consistent with Augast) of 2010 in Bremerton, WA. So, who wants to carpool?
