From the category archives:

Art

Still alive (sort of). Still sexy (sort of).

Still trying to make sense of the bad decisions I’ve made as a result of being untethered (no, really).

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I have a BA in Art History. Stop laughing. Back in 2005 when I declared my major, jobs were being given out like AOL free trial disks so I thought, “Someone will totally pay me to correct people when they attribute something to Monet instead of Manet.” Which I realize that, much like the current state of higher education, is a dead conduit for disseminating information.

Now my talents are relegated to identifying the paintings displayed on Barnes & Noble Classics and recognizing that all tattoos are, in some way, derivative of Aubrey Beardsley. Aside from maybe this one:

But recently, I saw the trailer for the new Deus Ex game and it is fecund with moments where I say, “Pause it, look, that’s a painting.” Sometimes I’m the only one around so it’s not a problem, but other times there are people who just kind of want to see what the game is about and I have to be the one to drone on about influences, parallels and even worse – artist motivation. But, really, to see what the game is about, you have to know what is is you’re actually seeing.

First, watch the trailer:

The themes in Deus Ex: Human Revolution sculpt a world in which the reach of humanity has exceeded its grasp. Much of this comes in the form of human augmentations, conspiracy theories and a thick shell of dystopia.

The first scene comes inspired from Rembrandt’s The Anatomy Lesson of Dr. Nicolaes Tulp, a painting in which we see what is most likely a mix of medical professionals and spectators, who have paid for the privilege, surrounding a body most likely that of a criminal – since those were the ones typically reserved for dissection.

In the still from the Deus Ex trailer, we see our main character, Adam Jensen, on the exam table.

Rembrandt, The Anatomy Lesson of Dr. Nicolaes Tulp, 1632

Deus Ex trailer: 0:29

From there our character ascends from the table and sprouts wings, flies directly into the sun and finds himself mechanically augmented in a dimly lit apartment.

Deus Ex trailer: 0:50

Peter Paul Rubens, The Fall of Icarus, 1636

This particular scene is important for character development, as the myth of Icarus, son of craftsman Daedalus, is that of a cautionary tale. In an attempt to escape from Crete, his father fashioned a pair of wings from feather and wax. The only caveat – he was not to fly too close to the sun, as the wax would melt and cause him to fall to his death. As the story goes, Icarus flies too close to the sun, dies and remains an example of failed ambition and hubris.

However, unlike Icarus, our character, Adam Jensen, falls from grace as a result of a brutal attack. Still, Art History references are in no limited quantity. We almost immediately see a Dürer print:

From there, we see the piece we started with -  The Anatomy Lesson of Dr. Nicolaes Tulp. On the other side of Adam Jensen, we see Fuseli’s The Nightmare.

Fuseli, The Nightmare, 1877

And in the middle of it all is Adam Jensen. Recovering from his own augmentation, enduring his own nightmare as he struggles with an entirely new physical existence.

Jensen introduces the action of the trailer by saying, “If you want to make enemies, try to change something.” Which, in essence, is the entire purpose of art to begin with.

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If anyone knows how I can blame this on someone else, please let me know. I, as usual, am not an acceptable option.

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After sobbing on and off about how I’m one bad haircut away from looking like a wart with lips, I went back to Target in order to regain some of my dignity. I did this by going to the Halloween section, taking photos of a guy dressed as a 2000 Flushes tablet with googly eyes and giggling to myself.

Okay, so he got duped into buying pajama jeans. And for whatever reason, he thought it’d be a good idea to wear them as part of his Cookie Monster costume. Can’t blame him. They’re comfortable and I mean, if there’s a day you want to make wardrobe choices based on how many times you’re going to jerk off to “sexy Alice in Wonderland” or “sexy Pap Smear,” Halloween is it.

But, unless the rest of the shots involve him waving his bare dick at the camera, I’m pretty sure they could’ve picked a better photo to use. Because when selling Sesame Street costumes to adults, the rules are simple:

1. Don’t.

2. If you really have to, try not to use a model who is either baring their teeth or resembles a young Ted Haggard.

So that’s two strikes. It’s still just barely permissible though. The bar for Halloween costumes is awfully low and this gets points simply because there’s no Gonzo-themed banana hammock included.

And I know that because I checked. However, while doing so, I noticed something even worse.

That’s not even a cookie. It’s a fucking muffin. Take note of the rippled muffin paper around the edges. And the streusel. Also, Muffin Monster’s thumb looks like it’s about one muffin bottom away from the rest of his hand.

If you look closer, you might even be able to see the reflection of me blowing everything out of proportion.

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