I’ve been told a lot of things about Vagina Drum and myself, especially now that I haven’t been around as much. A few examples:
1. Change your name, people will judge you.
2. Never talk to that ex of yours again.
3. You need to write more.
I’m sorry to say that I can only fulfill number three. I’m doing that right now.
As far as ditching Vagina Drum – it’s not going to happen. I realize it’s not the safest choice but it’s mine and there have been a lot of wonderful things that have come from it. Like my job, for instance.
But the point of this is to talk about my ex and the relationship that, despite its best efforts, never had a chance . In doing so, I will be as honest as I possibly can. Because everyone reading this deserves that. I deserve that.
I haven’t been healthy enough to cut him out of my life. I haven’t been level-headed enough to actually write about all of it. But I can now say that he’s out of my life. My self esteem and self worth may be absolutely shot from three years of ‘You’re wearing that?” and “No, this is why you’re wrong.” but when he recently told me, with a smile on his face, that I was too ‘harebrained’ to successfully kill myself, something in me snapped. Not in a violent way. Not even in an angry way. I was, in that moment, given the perspective I needed to realize that this person doesn’t love me and this person doesn’t care about me. That’s okay.
I am admittedly having a hard time writing about my feelings and experiences regarding the relationship. Because every painful memory, every comment made to second guess myself is followed by his voice. A voice that ultimately invalidates me. A voice that let’s me know that I’m wrong to feel the way I feel. A voice that uses my own actions to impale myself on my own less than stellar actions as justification to be treated poorly.
Speaking of which, I’m not perfect. I’ve slung plenty of mud. I’ve cursed and yelled and belittled in order to save myself from falling over the crumbling skyscraper that was our relationship. I am absolutely not without fault. My only goal in writing this is to not do that anymore. There’s no need for it. There never really was, sadly.
I will freely admit that the relationship saw a lot of laughter, love, travel, growth, and shared interest in feeling better about our lives while watching Cheaters. I wouldn’t be writing Vagina Drum if it weren’t for him. I wouldn’t be in San Francisco if it weren’t for him. I wouldn’t have an impressive collection of vibrators if it weren’t for him.
But I also wouldn’t have serious doubts that anyone will ever love me consistently and without contingencies. I wouldn’t worry that I’m only attractive while wearing something form-fitting or low cut. I wouldn’t worry I’ll never be good enough for anyone.
He’ll likely never see this or truly realize the depth of the scars that have been inflicted. That’s not the point anyway. They’re mine to deal with now. I just need an opportunity to be listened to. To be truly listened to. To know that I’m not crazy. To know that I have a reason to be hurt. To understand that, despite my sometimes deplorable behavior, he has issues that are not mine to talk about but were made mine to feel bad about.
Still, that doesn’t eliminate the fact that part of me still holds on to this fantasy that he’ll show up to my office one day as I’m leaving, look at me sincerely and tell me that he’s sorry. Maybe he’ll even have one of those foil balloons shaped like a house cat, comically whipping around in the wind as he gives me the only thing I’ve ever really wanted from him. To finally be respected by him enough to have the recognition that my pain from the relationship is not entirely my burden to carry.
And then once he turns to walk away, maybe I’d let the balloon go and watch it haphazardly cut through the sky.
Because I’m no one’s house cat anymore.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
wow, so honest. take care, you’ll get trough this x
Wow.
You understand yourself very well. And you should definitely write more.
Don’t ever stop writing…and don’t change the name. Realism is what it’s all about, and the ability to look at yourself and become a better person every day. GO FOR IT…you are well on your way….
Great writing. I really feel for you because I’m on the other side of this, although I have a mental disorder that causes douchey behavior that can actually be corrected. Alas, if someone is a douche there’s no known cure. Know that there is someone out there who will love you, all of you, for who you are – no strings attached.
Also write more and bang your vagina drum all you want.
Aubrey,
It sounds to me, as if you are fortunate enough to have experienced real love, something a lot of people, try as they might, may never fully achieve. You should try to take some solace in this achievement.
Real love, is able to put petty differences to one side, and can be a reason for wanting to wake up each morning. It’s a shame that he either wasn’t willing or able to reciprocate, for when real love is taken, that reason for waking up in the morning just isn’t there any more. It’s a position I currently find myself in, and I just know that eventually, there will again be a reason for me to wake up in the morning, other than old-age bladder weakness.
You can come back from this, and I bet that you will. At the risk of massaging your tarnished ego, you’ve successfully attracted an eager throng of doting followers, without having to don provocative clothing, of any kind.
We all like you Aubrey, we like it when the thunder from your Vagina Drum blog, reverberates around our browsers.
Keep looking forward, keep entertaining, keep doing whatever it is that seems to help
Good luck
Have some more saxaphone, I find it helps
http://youtu.be/KSqv4PAm6I8?hd=1
James, I like a lot of what you say.
However, I’ve experienced real love. And that relationship ended…. And I’m haunted by it, especially because I don’t have one now.
A friend once told me that previous relationships do leave you scarred, and you should bear them and learn from them. And maybe it’s true that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all–but *it* *fucking* *hurts*!!! So I’d suggest you never say that to anyone.
Besides that, we don’t know a lot of what happened. But he claimed to know Aubrey so well that he was certain she would always get some things wrong or otherwise fail. And he said it to her face. One, that’s fucking wrong about her. And two, that’s another thing you never tell someone, because it’s fucking heartless and stupid to do so.
So whatever he felt about her, whatever he was willing to do, doesn’t matter. Because he didn’t respect her. And without respect you have nothing.
So I have commented a few times here on this blog, n I told u several times how I appreciate your candor. Here’s the thing and I think u know this. “what doesn’t kill u makes u stronger”. What happens to u in the Past will define who u are in the future. We have all been through hard relationships that ultimately have been bad for us. However, and here’s the thing finding that “good” that comes out of a shitty situation is what u have to focus on. It seems u have already reflected on that. So keep that in the fore front and that will help u to 1 not make those mistakes again and. 2 when u do meet a potential guy u wanna start up with u will know what to look for. We all make mistakes in life, the idea though is to not make the same ones over and over again.. Just my .02 thx
Thanks for sharing. You are a great writer. You should write more. If the relationship wasn’t helping you (and him) then it was unhealthy. Let it go, learn form it, and go find a healthy one. You deserve it.
I suppose it could be worse, you could have this horrible name that suggests you destroy the pussy but I don’t think anyone can stoop down to that level. On another note, you seem to find peace in writing and if that’s what makes your uterus cramp a tad bit less then I say go for it. You could be doing a lot of other things that aren’t nearly as healthy for you like getting pregnant or buttfucking glass bottles of Riesling, so as you can see, writing is probably a good thing.
“My self esteem and self worth may be absolutely shot from three years of ‘You’re wearing that?” and “No, this is why you’re wrong.” but when he recently told me, with a smile on his face, that I was too ‘harebrained’ to successfully kill myself, something in me snapped. ”
UGHHH. Seriously. I had an ex who told me I was fat all the time… I was 5’5″ and 98 pounds. We had been best friends before we dated, and we dated for 3 years, and I always thought the relationship would somehow become more like our friendship had been. You know, healthy. It didn’t. It took him dumping me, after he’d cheated on me and just generally been a total piece of shit. I couldn’t cut him out of my life either, he’d been so much a part of it, but he’s become less and less a part of it, to the point where now I talk to him online maybe once every few months, and I almost never think of him. My current relationship (4 years) is fucking awesome, I seriously didn’t know people could get along this well. Adjusting your expectations to something better (you deserve it!!!) is helpful, but takes some work. It’ll get better, but it takes time.
I’m so glad you talked about this, even though I’m sure it’s shitty to do so. People are really frequently judgmental toward women who put up with that kind of crap in relationships, but I don’t think they realize how that kind of thing builds up over time and destroys your self-esteem.
Anyway, you’re fucking hilarious and hot and Vagina Drum is an awesome goddamn name and don’t let people tell you what to do. Except for #3, please.
Yeowch. This made me feel feelings.
I read this, and I know you lived in Bend once. And I think you’re pretty badass, and it makes me feel awful to know that someone made you feel less than badass.
That’s really all I have to say.
Well, and I wish I had big enough ovaries to call my blog vagina something or other.
Heart-breaking, and courageous. Gloria Gaynor should sing a song about this.
thank god. I’m proud of you
Boone’s Farm.
On with more typing woman! Chop! Chop! You are slacking!