I originally wrote this on September 3rd of 2010. It is largely an unfinished thought that I am thankfully unable to return to. It’s not about my ex, it’s not about me, it’s about you. If you’re alone, you don’t have to be, is the point.
He would say, “You cry all the time.” And I couldn’t really argue with him. I did cry a lot. I’d think back to times when I didn’t cry all the time and they all had one thing in common – he was absent. I never dared to bring up that point though, because I knew he’d have another response that ultimately concluded in me being wrong. Again.
The thing is – I knew I wasn’t wrong.
Usually, I’d say something he didn’t like and that would be his cue to leave the room. That’s when I’d take the opportunity to cry to myself as quietly as I possibly could. Sometimes, I would involuntarily let out huge gasps, which were ultimately errors on my part. They only acted as further evidence that he didn’t need to waste his time respecting me.
And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to say this. How many times I’ve started and how many times I would delete it all the next day. Because he decided to be nice to me. Or halfheartedly apologize.
I’m not saying this to shame him or gain any sort of sympathy. I have no interest in either of those things. I’m doing it to call bullshit on myself and if I’m really lucky, let someone else know that they’re not alone.
Now it’s time to get out of here and be happy.
But seriously – if you’re alone or sad or happy or just ate a lot of candy and afraid you might get sick: mail@vaginadrum.com
I am here. I make mistakes (understatement) and I can’t promise to fix everything for you. But I’m here.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
That’s a truly lovely and heartbreaking sentiment. I feel sorry for the “you” in this situation, but I feel even sorrier for the gent who disappointed such a thoughtful person.
Im lonely and liked this story.
I try to fix everything. That’s how I know I’m broken.