I do most of my writing in two places – my couch, Al Bundy style with one hand down my pants and Starbucks, Al Bundy style with one hand down my pants. I typically favor Starbucks because I’m able to people watch and say things like ‘grande.’ So I was at least passively interested when I came across an article outlining a few rules for using Starbucks as your office. While what I do is more fitting of something in between a Denny’s and bathroom of a public library, I figured it could be somewhat useful. But if I had to rank my judgment in terms of how not right I was, this would even surpass the time I thought the guy working at Victoria’s Secret wanted to touch me in my bathing suit area because he called me ‘hun’ and was oddly dedicated to lifting and separating my breasts.
I was hopeful. I thought maybe these rules would slightly resemble mine. For instance – Never add “on the rocks” to a frappuccino order because no one ever ever thinks it’s funny. Unfortunately, what I saw instead was a cocktail of common sense and self-congratulatory irrationality.
I mean, some of them are just insulting. “Don’t spread out your stuff and take up too much space at the store.” Right, because when I go to Starbucks, I beckon the barista to help me put on my Snuggie, use the low-fat and 2% pitchers of milk as bookends for my reading material and usurp the counter as a makeshift clothesline so my bras can air dry.
Are you fucking kidding me? I couldn’t believe that this guy was even allowed an email account, much less an entire blog dedicated to the ‘Trusted Insights and Conversations on the Next Wave of Technology.” Here’s an experiment – try saying, “Next Wave of Technology” and replace “Technology” with anything. Next wave of pizza. Next wave of hair. Next wave of waves. All of that still makes more sense than the original jumble of words dedicated to convincing people that they should tip up to $10 a day during their time at Starbucks in order to “ensure that folks at the store don’t view you as a freeloader and a pest.” I know – it sounds absurd but you’re missing out on his other erudite tip, which is to “buy coffee or something at least three times a day.” See? Makes sense now that you’re only tipping around 120% instead of just giving it away.
And I hate to get technical here, but a freeloader is anyone who “takes advantage of the charity, generosity, or hospitality of others.” So if the paradigm for buying a $4 cup of coffee has shifted from “gouged” to “in need of a hot meal and an even hotter quad split-shot grande in a venti cup, one pump mocha with whip and mocha drizzle” then I stand corrected. Until then, Om Malik and his tips on how to turn money into a bad credit score are full of shit.
Although, he was at one time Customer of the Week at his local Starbucks. I mean I’m not winning awards for spending over $400 per month on coffee and acceptance, but I’m surely not going to take advice from someone who has.
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“…on coffee and acceptance” HAR!!!
If I wanted to spend that much per month on office space, I’d just…rent an office.
MIND. BOGGLING.
I should write a blog doling out gems from The Next Wave of Duh. Including such treasures as “put a pot of coffee on and work at home–not only do you not get as many weird looks when you take your pants off, but you can also have your loved ones give you disgusted looks and make disparaging comments about your work ethic FOR FREE and save on tips for the next time you find yourself in the presence of a stripper.”
Yes, I hate to break to the original author, but yes, he is still a freeloader. And his idea is not new. And most people’s work can’t be done in a Starbucks. And a lot of people go to Starbucks to get away from work.