Earlier today, I was on the hunt for a lunch box I had a few years ago. It carried my handcrafted and snack cake heavy lunches from grades 10 through 12. So yes, while I was one of those quirky assholes in high school who toted around a lunch box appropriate for a 6-year-old, I at least had the decency to eat alone and delude myself into thinking that my peers would probably consider me a friend if I just stopped using so much hairspray in my bangs. Then I’d rebut the imaginary argument by explaining to myself that since my face is chubby, I need to cut down on as much extra volume as I can and it’s not like you have a better idea. Stop crying.
It was a plastic yellow rectangle showcasing Sesame Street’s Snuffaluffagus and Big Bird, along with the claim that they were ‘Best Friends.’ Now, even though I had about 16 years of exposure, I never thought of those two to be best friends. I considered the claim to be dubious at best but, knowing that ‘tolerant neighbors with palpable sexual tension’ was too wordy, I reluctantly accepted it.
My search was fruitless. I did, however, find other Big Bird items ideal for alienating everyone you know.
Sexy Big Bird? Seriously? Sexy Mr. Hooper has a better chance at getting laid. But forget about the fact that Big Bird lives in a giant nest and has an unnatural attachment to a teddy bear, check out those fuck-me pumps.
Now, this doesn’t work very well for a costume since it’s technically a sweater, but it is the perfect way to say, “Hey, it’s not like I want to take a bath with your kid, I just kind of have to.”
Speaking of children:
Take away the giant beak and imagine, for a moment, that this child is masquerading as a giant yellow penis. It shouldn’t be too hard because that’s exactly what’s going on here. Whoever photographed this despite the I’m so excited/I’m so scared facial expression is one sick fuck.
My guess is that it was Mr. Jazz Hands up there.
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SEXY BIG BIRD?? OMG! KIND OF WANT (???)