As if anyone is brilliant enough to manufacture a sex doll that pisses itself

A few weeks ago, I found a new hobby. For an hour or so every night, I would collect a handful of the most illiterate and horrifying Craigslist personal ads imaginable. Then, I would send the links to my boyfriend and before bed, he would read them to me as phonetically as possible in order to really emphasize the I am so fucking desperate I can’t be bothered to spell-check this well and mostly because my internet access at the library is about to expire quality of each ad. As bedtime stories go they had everything – a fallen hero (or more realistically, someone who never got up in the first place), usually some sort of infidelity that required a clandestine meeting, and of course, the deeply disillusioned idea that their dick was worthy of a honey baked ham, much less a woman with an equally savory, but somewhat less edible, vagina.

Like many of my hobbies, it was short lived and able to be done from the couch. There are really only so many times you can laugh at the fact that an alarming number of people don’t know that there is a difference between ‘woman’ and ‘women.’ Oh, and not surprisingly, seeing the cock and balls of men who seemingly traded in all of their potential for extra hair on their taints can put a damper on your sex life.

But the point is – Craigslist is terrifying:

Hear that ladies? Yes it is true, Mr. Jersey Shore is looking for a ‘signisicant’ other. Thank god. His Mariah Carey-grade ego aside, ‘the precher’ here has somehow created a veritable Magic Eye with words alone. Since very little (none) of it is intelligible, I figured I’d be better off crossing my eyes, staring deep into the page and attempting to visualize what an 8th grade education looks like. Turns out it’s a hybrid of ‘People who still mourn the death of Dale Earnhardt’ and ‘Fans of Two and a Half Men.’

But the unavoidable reality here is that, unless this guy happens to have a sister afflicted with the same mental deficiencies, he has zero chance of ‘macking love’ with his fantasy second wife. This means that he is then sent to the Craigslist equivalent of the Island of Misfit Toys – where the boundary between building an interpersonal relationship with a fully functioning human being and a silicone replica is non-existent. Realdolls are currency on this island and they represent the ideal woman from the perspective of someone who thinks they know how to make their own bear traps – lots of holes, boobs, and the absence of a larynx.

But sometimes, these relationships don’t work out. Even if they aren’t technically real. Which is why these dolls are then sold on Craigslist:

I know it seems like I’m judging people who choose to fuck a more practical version of Baby Wee Wee and yeah, maybe I am a little, but to be completely honest, I’m mostly jealous. The only time where I really start to suspect that the answers to a few cold cases can be found in your trunk is when your doll is missing teeth or when you volunteer the information that all limbs are attached, as if that is somehow an amenity I shouldn’t have expected.

The vagina has a tiny piece of silicon missing. When I read that, my face looked a lot like Jenny’s up there. It’s sad though, really. To bear witness to the ghosts that exists within what could’ve possibly been the most functional relationship to date for these people. The missing teeth, loose hand joint, tears at the mouth. All signs of what used to be a clearly active sex life. A weird one, sure, and one that in many realms was never technically real – but what lives within the jurisdiction of real is highly restrictive anyway.

I like to believe in a broader application of sex, and if that means having to scoop out your semen from your lover’s factory-made orifice, then I’m on board. Especially if it keeps people from Jersey Shore off the streets.

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