Can we talk about my pubic hair for a minute? If I had my druthers, I would grow a bush so big it would become a threat to national security. But as it turns out, that kind of plumage really cuts down on the toe curling when I’m grinding face. So I choose to keep it trimmed, and for special occasions like when I’m trying to fuck with Al Gore and use as much hot water as possible, I’ll shave it off completely.
Luckily, my hair is trimmed now, which means that when I found a way to dye it, I could. I’m not sure how I came across the Betty Beauty products, but since my days are usually like one long, aimless walk in the forest that end only when I stumble upon a patch of sleepy-time mushrooms, I’ll probably never remember. The important thing is that I found a way to get rid of my dull dirty blond pussy toupee.
So far I’ve used the lilac dye. Having a purple cunt made me feel like a superhero and a muppet all at the same time. In other words, it was awesome. In addition to lilac, auburn and blonde (pictured above), Betty offers a paraben and ammonia free line in black, brown, aqua blue and hot pink. They also suggest a way to expedite what is usually a 50 minute process (cutting the setting time in about half) by using cellophane and a hair dryer, but I had no desire to treat my vagina like a Harry and David gift basket, so I opted out.
It took about one week for the dye to wash out, and although I had the opportunity to touch it up with the remaining color, I decided to keep it natural for now because I really want to see what it’s like to have a vagina as red as Bill Clinton’s face. I got great results even though I’ve never dyed my hair (the kind that covers my abnormally large head), neither professionally nor at home. This kit is basically for anyone who can use crayons or in my case, someone who can at least appreciate their abilities.
Pictured from left to right: Mixing tray, gloves, spatula, application wand, betty lightening creme, betty developing creme, betty color, complimentary betty nail polish
The Betty kit ($14.99 USD + free shipping for U.S. orders) comes with everything you’ll need to turn your snatch into cotton candy, or in some cases, get rid of the gray that makes your skin chimney look like a rain cloud. The only thing you may need is a towel and possibly some petroleum jelly to prevent staining if you’re like me and are incapable of performing at a 2nd grade level when it comes to staying in the lines.
In addition to delivering an incredibly effective and sleek product, Nancy Jarecki (CEO/founder of Betty Beauty) and her team are dedicated to ensuring customer satisfaction. In my package, there was a personalized note thanking me for my purchase, as well as a pre-paid addressed envelope waiting for my feedback.
Now I just have to figure out if I want to send matte or glossy finish copies of my newly colored locks.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Um. This was brilliant.
Gee, I sure would have loved pics of your Purple Pussy. MeOw.
I actually prefer the wild natural look. But trying the different colours would be fun.