I’m just now realizing that my birthday is one week away and that most of it will probably be spent trying not to cry. I’m paying my bills with birthday money (yeah, I’m 11) and I’ll probably either have to strip or fingers crossed find a guy who is willing to pay $20 an hour to brush my hair. So I’m bummed. Not in a hey that ceiling fan looks like it could support my weight way, but in a general why did I even go to college I could’ve been a nail tech way. I know, boo hoo, I don’t get to eat my ‘Best Birth Ever’ buttercream cake in front of poor people like I do every year. Mostly because I am the poor people. But that’s ok because I have something that tastes way better than sugar, butter and the tears of people I’ve never met. Giant Cheetos.
I tried to get a sense of scale with these by putting one in my mouth but it began to look like I was starting a new kind of porn so you’ll just have to take my word for it that they’re fucking huge. The only downside is that they have a built in Loser Detector that turns your tongue green. For me, this means that everyone has to know that I spent my night eating Cheetos larger than the average testicle and watching Gilmore Girls while convincing myself that my life could’ve been so much better if only I had gotten knocked up at 16.
Missed opportunities aside, I will never love another snack the way I love Giant Cheetos. Unless of course Frito-Lay decides to finally return my calls and take me up on my Doritos Stuffed Pizza idea because I am sick of making them from scratch.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Just wanted to say, you’re my hero, Miss Doritos Stuffed Pizza inventor.
I lost my job a few months ago do to the economy taking a dump on luxury industries (YEAH COMPUTER GUY AT A POOL COMPANY), so I feel your pain.
But chin up, it’ll get better eventually, right?
I’ma go rock a green tongue now, kbye.
Haha thanks. And yes please do…having a green tongue and stomach full of unnatural orange cheese makes unemployment just a little more fun.
You look as though you haven’t lost the will to get dressed during the day. that’s a good sign, right?
I just relocated from Chicago to Austin not long after you headed northwest and I can’t get a job to save my life.
I’m in the same boat as you, it’s pretty harsh.
My real question here is can they make junior mints the big?
PS – A friend and I are going to write a Doritos cook book, so I’ll need that recipe.
I’m still able to even put a bra on most days, so I’m not *that* far gone.
Damn and Austin still has one of the best economies in the country, aside from Houston and Dallas. But those cities are not nearly as awesome as Austin.
I’ll be in the same boat if the place I’m working now doesn’t continue my contract or offer me full-time. I can just live out of my car, I suppose.
Good news, I got a seasonal job at Target :\
Happy co-birthday. Make more funny, pleez.