The other day, I was at Red Robin for what was at least the fifth time this month because I can’t just kill myself in one afternoon like everyone else, I have to do it as slowly and with as much ranch dressing as possible. While trying to pretend my turkey burger was something more than a feeble attempt to offer the illusion that I’m health conscious as long as there’s cheese, I was told that I should start writing about gender misconceptions but…in a way that’s funny.
I chewed on it, but couldn’t get excited about it. Mostly because repeating patriarchy over and over again or spelling ‘woman’ with a ‘y’ is never funny or even remotely enlightening. The last time I boarded that ship, I tried convincing my ex’s best friend that women are equal to men, but the response I got was something along the lines of, “Yeah, but that doesn’t apply in the real world.” I shrugged it off, because since this was coming from someone in their fourth year of community college, their concept of the real world was not one I was concerned with. But then I started thinking about what I could get excited about, and that, of course, is uncircumcised cock.
From a visual and tactile perspective, nothing is more appealing to me. Among Americans, though, I feel that I’m in the minority because they’re typically considered unattractive or in the most ignorant of cases, thought to have some goddamn colony of smurfs living underneath the foreskin. Other popular beliefs in the U.S. include: Homosexuality is a sin and Olive Garden is an Italian restaurant. Oh, and even Jews think it’s barbaric. But look, I’m not here to bum everyone out. There are plenty of websites out there bursting with an inappropriate use of comic sans and circa-1997 gifs for that.
So, around my third attempt to ignore the fact that my turkey burger was lighter than the color of the skin on my ass, and after many disapproving looks from nearby families in or around the time I would say ‘cock’, I started wondering if there was such a thing as an uncut vibrator.
Luckily, there is, although I don’t know what to think of it in terms of quality. The name is Euro-Cock: cheap. There’s a Zach Morris knock-off trying to look like he’s taking a nap while standing up: cheap. However, the fact that they included the EU flag in the package design is impressive, I must say. Ultimately, the fact that it costs $15 means it is, in fact, cheap. Still, I overlooked this because its existence alone makes me optimistic that uncut vibrators can eventually surpass their current novelty status.
I asked my boyfriend what he thought and, unfortunately, he didn’t share my enthusiasm. Possibly because he already has one attached to him.
And then I responded in a way that will probably come as a surprise because it’s so poetic and clearly indicative of someone with a lot of education. Keep in mind I am bearing my soul here more than ever because it’s proof that sometimes, while sober, I use emoticons in place of actual punctuation.
So, I didn’t end up buying it. While I appreciate the novelty, I also realize the inevitability of its place in the bottom of my drawer, cold and reserved only for times when I try to put it between my legs and practice my cock slapping.
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I’ve actually never seen one in person. I’m intrigued, although I think I’d have to have a sufficient amount of mental preparation beforehand. Unfortunately, that kind of information usually isn’t volunteered ahead of time:
“Great, I’ll pick you up at 7:30. Oh, and by the way, I have an uncut cock. Just putting that out there.”
“Ooh, thanks for letting me know. I’ll do some research.”
Haha yeah when I first got his clothes off, I was like “Oh, he’s not cut…he didn’t mention that.” But, thinking back, why the hell would he? It’s like saying something like, “OH HEY, just a heads up: the size of my areolas are somewhere between a quarter and a half dollar.”
Hey baby, I’ll be back to check YOU out lat-errr!
hurm, your website doesn’t like my faux html tags/
anyways, read the above comment in an 80’s inspired commercial.
Imagining the awkward silence after somebody hypothetically say one of the 2 things above.
I take it you’re not familiar with those commercials, Ben?
It was a meme before most anyone knew what a meme was.
It was pre-WWW. Pre-gopher, pre-irc, pre-chat; I think ‘talk’ was
available tho…memory fads.
Yes. I’m old.
I’m in Australia, and my experiences of penises is probably veering to the uncut preference. It’s becoming less common for babies to be circumcised here, but even in the adult population, I wouldn’t be surprised if over half of grown men weren’t cut. They’re not scary! They’re actually really nice to touch! They don’t smell, or grow fungus, or harbour AIDS. If your man is caring enough to soap his pits and balls on a regular basis, it’s likely he cares enough to retract his hood and do some maintenance there too.
THANK YOU! I love uncut penises! They’re just easier to deal with. And for some reason, I’ve fucked more guys who are uncircumcised than guys who are…and this is in America, people!
I second your boyfriend. Anybody at the stage of boner represented by a sex toy would not have a visible foreskin, it tends to pull back. The only time that any girl has ever realized that I’m not circumcised has been because a) I told her, or b) we’ve reached that bizarre and lofty peak of familiarity that I am naked around her and don’t have hard on all the time. That vibrator would look like some kind of horrifying snuffleuffigus if was ever not erect.
Do womenfolk even analyze the penii they put in their bodies any more? Or have they just become so accustomed to sticking them in willy(hehe)-nilly they figure “eh, they’re all the same”?