I bought a pussy pump.
There’s no dignified way to pose with a pussy pump. I tried, and it just looked like I was posing for my senior portrait with a football that I was really proud of. I was tempted to take a picture of my actual hot dog bun, simply because it looked like my vagina sprouted this supremely cool and sexy tumor, but I’m not getting paid enough (read: at all) for that, so my other lips will have to do.
I knew that engorged cunts were a thing, but since I didn’t care for the look, I never thought of trying it. Then, I read that female pumping could lead to more intense orgasms, and since I would drown the Cadbury Bunny if it meant my vagina would benefit, I started shopping. Initially, I felt weird about buying one, because I knew this meant that I was just a few clicks away from from buying a leather bridle set and diving into pony play. But so far I have no desire to to put blinders on (except for you know, the metaphorical ones I have when it comes to my life) while sucking a dick so I think I’m safe.
My pump came with an instructional DVD and I got through about 20 seconds until I saw Ron Jeremy talking about my “plump wet pussy,” at which point I had to turn it off before entertaining the idea of using my pussy pump to gouge out my eyes so I could somehow unsee the chicken salad sandwich living in Ron Jeremy’s mustache. So, since that was rendered useless, I gathered the basics and went to it.
I knew I had to approach pussy pumping with caution. Mostly because I wasn’t sure if I would even like it, but also because I didn’t want my boyfriend to look at my bouncy house vagina and run away in horror. Oh, plus, I could’ve permanently turned my coffee bean into the stomach of an overweight Labrador. Luckily, when I tried it on myself in private, I responded positively. As expected, my boyfriend approached the whole thing like he was the Will It Blend? guy, but with a boner. At first, he started pumping like he was filling up a flat bike tire but once I told him it was causing my uterus to slide out, he slowed down to a less deadly pace.
The discomfort I predicted occurred early on but was quickly replaced by arousal. Despite my skepticism, my entire panty hamster filled the cup and after 15 minutes (the maximum amount of pumping time recommended), I experienced an extreme jump in sensitivity. My orgasm took about half the time to achieve and there was even a reported gain in tightness.
Get one — but if you do, don’t put it on your face because it could get stuck and you could panic and then have to wrestle with it for awhile until you get it off and then deal with the reality of a face hickey that will stay with you for the rest of the day.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
very funny, and informative
HAHAHAHA you are hilarious
“also because I didn’t want my boyfriend to look at my bouncy house vagina and run away in horror.”
shame on you for making me spit out my drink with this line!
So, uh… had fun? It’s very, uhm, interesting reading posts like this (especially considering the fact that i didn’t even know there existed such as a pussy pump). You could have it, your boyfriend could have a penis pump and you two could race your way to orgasm.
Best thing I have read all day.
In the picture, it almost looks like scuba gear.
I’ve seen plumped up pussies (in pics), but I thought they were just an anomaly, but now I know how they got that way. Ha!
I’ve never heard so many metaphors for the vagina.
lol I love it girl
This is one of the few things I read online that consistently makes me laugh, shudder and expel my beverage EVERY TIME I READ IT.
You should either be canonized or converted into something we can drop on our enemies, sister.
Ladies, do yourselves a favor. Look up ‘prolapse’ in Wikipedia.
Clearly, Jeem, she didn’t tell the girls to pump their pussies until the damn thing turns inside out, she specifically said she only pumped for the max recommended time and if you pumped so hard that you prolapsed then there would CERTAINLY be a large amount of pain involved in the process. Silly.
I’m totally on board with the pumping train, had a pump a long time ago that I retired when I got into a seriously boring relationship. I wish I had kept the sucker (pun intended!) cause it was totally fun!
As crazy as some of this shit you post is, this is one subject I never thought I’d see from you. I should have known better. Forgive me, miss.
bouncy house vagina + over weight labrador. loving that!
Hot stuff!
“There’s no dignified way to pose with a pussy pump.”
True, but there might be some more interesting poses possible.
I laughed so hard at the Will it Blend reference. I’ll never be able to go there without a smile on my face ^_^
back in the days when I masturbated in front of the whole internet for a living, the pussy pump was a frequent request. apparently elephantits of the vagooter is a secret turn-on for many.
Holy shit you did that?? I am in awe, I’ve always thought of doing the whole webcam thing but stop myself because I would most likely be like “Can you just jerk off while you watch me nap?”
hillarious and informative, an awesome anecdote.
I accidentally saw an image of someone with a pumped up vajayjay in a stream of otherwise normal porn, and it gave me emotionally scarring nightmares and made my dick try to crawl up inside my body and die.
You are very brave to consider doing that to yourself in the name of science.