Being caught stating the obvious is a bit of a fear of mine, and so I am always careful not to do it. The last time it happened to me, I was 11 and said, “Weird Al is really…weird, isn’t he?” and after I was inaugurated as Captain Obvious, I quietly put the offender on my mental list of people I would visit after building my very own rocket launcher while thinking, never again.
So I realize that talking about the crotch numbing effect that AskMen has on those who don’t like to keep Corn Nuts in their belly button because it’s just convenient that way, means that I’ve kind of fallen off the wagon. This time though, I’m stronger and therefore able to beat up most 6th graders with ease.
I picked Signs She’ll Still Look Good in 20 Years because, while nearly all AskMen articles make me wish that Jesus had never killed the dinosaurs so we wouldn’t even end up in this mess in the first place, this one is particularly apocalyptic. I also picked it because it starts with this really great hook about how “child-rearing leave[s] some women looking more frazzled than Phil Spector on his first day in prison.” See, it’s funny because Phil Spector is not attractive. It goes on to set up the central conflict, which is: “Your girlfriend is everything you want in a partner: brains, a sense of humor and a naked body that would make any grown man blush…The only issue: You want assurance that she will still look this fantastic in the decades to come.” You’re not fooling me, Chris Illuminati, I can read between the lines. I realize what you meant to say was, “Your girlfriend is cool because she has nice teeth, which means that she doesn’t cut up your dick when she blows you…unlike your ex.” I know this because these “brains” you claim don’t really exist if your girl is too busy retaining her “crown” among her “gaggle of hot clones” to realize how much of a douche you are.
The rest of the article mentions the basics (plastic surgery: good, fast food: bad unless you’re feeding it to your man), and shockingly, doesn’t even attempt any sort of base aphorisms like “If her mom is hot, you’ve got a shot; if her mom is fat, you can’t hit that.” However, considering that none of this is worth remembering anyway, it’s probably for the best. The real talent is invested in the humor, which makes me yearn for the days when I used to go to amateur comedy nights since I at least had the option of getting drunk. Sadly, no amount of cheap booze can dull the pain of a set up that involves having the “hottest wife in the nursing home” and how that warrants…extra rice pudding. If that doesn’t sound funny to you, then congratulations because you’re already funnier than Chris Illuminati.
I get it, Chris–you’re a freelancer–so sneaking sips from abandoned cups at Starbucks just so you can taste what it will be like when you write your award winning piece titled, “Hot Girls Are Hot Because They Are Hot” may not be beneath you. But goddammit, that $4 latte will taste so much sweeter once you emancipate yourself from this notion that girls who play video games are hot as long as they’re not overweight, because it means you will have stopped rimming the asshole of poor taste.
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Fiesty! I hear all of that.