Children are gifts from God but the ones who aren't end up on television

Living in the 90s bestowed upon me two things: an aversion to plaid and an inability to enjoy the last 2-3 seasons of most sitcoms from that time because a few writers and producers decided to jerk off into a bowl of Jello just to see what would happen. What resulted were a few of the most embarrassing attempts for ratings that had laugh tracks working overtime to compensate for the deafening silence that occurred after everyone collectively realized that a dirty diaper isn’t really that funny.

Nicky and Alex Katsopolis–Full House:

Nicky and Alex were the twins of Rebecca and Jesse Katsopolis, who for a moment thought about actually moving out of their Quasimodo-esque digs, until realizing that it would totally ruin the plot. First of all, any parents who live in an attic are usually referred to as unfit, and are then confirmed as clinically insane once they explain that the reason behind this is so that they can be close to Bob Saget and his children. However, much to my disappointment and despite many calls to CPS, Nicky and Alex remained on the show. Meanwhile, I was told to stop calling over a fictional issue, even though the ability for two children to ruin everything and do nothing all at once was very real to me. I mean, I know we’re talking about Full House here- a show that, if you can get through an episode without Joey doing his Popeye impression, is considered a success, but ideally, a synopsis should go beyond: ”Nicky gets a cold, Alex stands up in his crib because he wants uppies.”

Nicholas Andrew Michael Shawn Nathan Wanya “Nicky” Banks–The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air:

Born to Phillip and Vivian II, Nicky Banks is essentially the Kevin Costner of television sitcoms. As if losing the original mom on Fresh Prince wasn’t bad enough, the writers had to add insult to injury by replacing her with a supremely annoying child. I’m not making this name up and I get why you would think so because of my penchant for Boyz II Men, but this shameful pandering is actually intentional (the last four middle names are the names of every member of Boyz II Men, which came to be since they…performed at his christening). Makes sense, right? No, of course it doesn’t because introducing Nicky Banks into Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is like putting salsa in a briefcase. Sounds cool, but it’s ultimately disastrous. Predictably, Nicky was absolutely useless as a character and was just a diluted version of both Carlton and Will, whose sole purpose was to add the comic relief that never quite landed from its fiery aircraft. They should’ve just added a shopping addiction to his character motivation, called him Carwillary, and saved a lot of money by producing a one man show of abject failure (this concept would later be referred to as The Nutty Professor). Don’t worry though, Tyra Banks can still guest star as the love interest on a very special episode.

Lilly Foster-Lambert–Step by Step:

The product of the highly uncomfortable sexual relationship shared between Carol Foster and Frank Lambert of Step by Step, Lilly was a hemorrhoid on an already mediocre show. Considering how many times Carol’s meat wallet took a hit from Frank, it’s surprising that this was the only child that was introduced throughout the show’s 6-year history. However, my suspicion is that the birth control ran out right around the time the ratings dropped, so naturally, the thing to do is to offer an ominous reminder that unplanned pregnancy can happen to anyone. In addition to meshing with the family’s wacky dynamic in a completely unmentionable way, Lilly was kind of like the extra piece left over after putting together some furniture and you just shrug and put it in a drawer somewhere, knowing that you’ll never need it again.

Jerry Garcia Conner–Roseanne:

It was an absolute bitch for me to find this picture, which makes sense because I, along with the kid’s actual mother, are probably the only ones who remember that he was on the show. Truth be told, it was hard enough to keep up with the two Beckys. The birth of Jerry Garcia Conner was a glaringly obvious attempt to boost ratings that were already struggling, but even so, he was not unique for being the only infant on the show. Just about everyone who passed through the Roseanne cast popped out a kid at some point, aside from Darlene…and she was a lesbian. Although I didn’t understand it at the time, it was actually impressively loyal to the plot, based on the fact that they were all poor and presumably unable to avoid getting shitfaced and knocked up, in that order.  Oh, and naming your kid after Jerry Garcia is nice and all, and again–almost aggravatingly accurate considering that Roseanne was a former owner of a lunch meat emporium–but it’s like naming your kid after Anna Nicole Smith and expecting her not to fuck an octogenarian in a wheelchair.

Boyz II Men Dave Coulier I watch a lot of tv I'm kind of a douchebag