I discovered these Jesus figurines back when AOL was still popular and Napster was still free. If you’re not familiar with either of those phenomenons, then I’ll translate: it was a really long time ago. I was fairly young, and I remember wishing that I was one of the five people on the internet who knew html so I could post it somewhere and then Tom wouldn’t be Tom from Myspace, I would.
I’m probably tardy to the party, but whatever. If I limited myself to writing about things that no one has ever written about, I’d be stuck with “Louie Anderson’s Fitness Tips” and “10 Easy Ways to Milk a Rat”, so Jesus figurines it is. They come from Catholic Shopper, and this may shock you based on how polished the site looks, but it hasn’t changed since 1997. There is one addition, however, that announces, “Many customers have requested these Jesus Sport Statues depicting children other than Caucasian and playing other sports” which just offends me because white people playing football with Jesus is quite possibly the most natural pairing you could ask for.
Girls and boys are predictably depicted in gender appropriate activities. Boys play baseball and football, while girls do ballet and gymnastics. In every case, Jesus seems to be getting way too close. I know that Jesus is like that platonic geeky friend who wants to take you to the dance and you refuse because he doesn’t have a Trans Am, but when the rich jerk with great hair dumps you for the blonde, bitchy ex-girlfriend, he’s there to pick up the pieces and take you to the coolest record store in town. Still though–I’m not convinced. That “Hey let me teach you how to swing a bat so that you can feel my genitals through my robe” move only works on a first or second date, and even then, it’s like “Whoa dude tell me don’t show me.”
Jesus is shown in his signature holy tunic and sandals in every scene, even while playing soccer, aside from one–hockey. Turning water into wine and rising from the dead makes perfect sense, but it seems that playing hockey without ice skates is simply illogical.
Sure, I’m as sacrilegious as they come, but even I draw the line at clotheslining Jesus. Have fun in hell, asshole.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I love it. Thanks for making my day after the Prop 8 bullshit.
-sgb
You are the shit! Where have you been all my life?
I love your writing, do you write (publicly) anywhere else too?
Conan O’Brien used to show these on Late Night.
@Tina,
Thank you so much–right now, it’s just me here at VD but you can be sure I will make an obnoxious post if/when I start writing somewhere else.