Useless Watch is Useless

I’ve bought a lot of stupid shit in my life–soy hot dogs, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants on DVD and tickets for a matinee showing of Cats. Luckily, my consumerist dumb ass phase is over, so I can safely say that I would rather take a bath in Rob Reiner’s ball sweat than entertain the idea of buying this watch:

Don’t be fooled by its chic minimalist approach. The only good thing about this watch is the engrish product description:

Part of apertures of metal band became digital display screen. Metal band and digital figures mingle together in proportion naturally. Without the face of “timepiece”, it displays figures only when needed but also quite vague existence, “time”

Also quite vague existence, “time”. Shit, that is deep. If only it were intentional.

To be fair, it does have this kind of cool 24 look going for it, and while I kind of assume that Jack Bauer is man enough to take a few dicks for the team if necessary, I highly doubt he has the capacity to take the amount that this watch would require. However, if you find yourself attracted to the idea of sporting a monolithic replacement for your cell phone, it can be found here.

Sure, people will make fun of you for wearing what appears to be a 90s-inspired chunky silver bracelet, but you’ll show them once they find out that it lights up.

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