I had a dream that Heather Chadwell from Rock of Love and I went shopping for stockings. I really wanted a black pair with seams up the back, but she convinced me to buy this really gross pair of beige Leggs that looked like the hosiery you get when you try on shoes. I took her advice thinking, “Well, if Heather thinks this is sexy…then it must be.”
Aside from having dreams about alcoholic reality TV personalities, being sexy is a problem for me. I’ve never thought I was sexy, and if you asked me what it means to be sexy, I couldn’t tell you. I mean, I think I could offer up a potentially insulting definition that has a lot to do with Victoria’s Secret and nothing to do with Kathie Lee Gifford, but it’s not about that. I commend the Halle Berrys of the world who can still be sexy while having a really unflattering Ellen DeGeneres haircut and the ability to fuck Billy Bob Thorton without being considered completely repulsive. But, when it comes to playing a game where my sexiness depends on how good I am at maintaining my poise and dignity, I am fucked . So, I have to make my own rules and hope that my a capella renditions of Guns N’ Roses Greatest Hits somehow translates as sexy.
Which (kind of) brings me to my point. I know I set myself up because I choose to spotlight the axe wound between my legs in great detail. I don’t do this to be sexy. I don’t do this to turn anyone on (but if it does, keep doing your thang). I do this in hopes that someone somewhere will be able to relate and think, “It’s ok that I sometimes masturbate while watching the Golden Girls.” or “It’s ok that I prioritize sex above just about everything else in my life.”
Now, the real reason I got started on this tangent is because of a comment I received a few days ago. As a preface, every piece of feedback I’ve received so far has been wonderful, with one exception. In a recent post, someone felt that it was necessary to tell me how much they love eating pussy (ok fine), but unfortunately, they didn’t stop there. They continued to go on about how skilled they were at cunnilingus (completely missing the point) and were so kind as to leave their email in case any “females” were interested in asking questions. First of all, fuck you. If any “females” (or males, for that matter) have questions, they can ask me directly and actually be able to trust that I won’t send along pictures of my leaking, rotting dick. Second of all, no one cares.
I don’t expect everyone to jerk me off when they make a comment or send an email (although, of course, I appreciate it). I take full responsibility for everything I write here, and if anyone feels the need to criticize, then that is their privilege and I welcome it. However, this is not a pit stop for anyone on their way to Craigslist’s Casual Encounters. There’s better luck over at Craigslist anyway. More STDs, but better luck.
Godspeed.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I think we all learned a valuable lesson thanks to this post: proffering unsolicited advice on oral sex to complete strangers may be perceived as offensive. The world would be a better place if only all of us took this moral to heart.
@Shep,
You have quite a vision.