The only reason I work out is because it makes me a better lover. Before I swore of Doritos forever, sex meant that I would just lie there and yell “Fuck me”, but now I am able to recreate Cirque du Soleil with my hips…except, you know, less gay.
In college, I took this really hippy class called Dance Conditioning. I’m not a dancer, but I signed
up anyway, thinking it would be a good excuse to work out for credit. I was right–but there were consequences. For instance, the work out soundtrack consisted strictly of New Age sounds of Fair Trade coffee beans being ground, endangered North American birds, and lots of sitar. Sandra, the instructor, would also wear these really flimsy shorts, so I had the pleasure of staring at her poorly maintained bikini line every time she demonstrated a stretch or routine. The one thing I took from that class, aside from a nagging compulsion to groom my muff, was Thera-Bands. Thera-Bands are available in a variety of resistances, and are a cheap, effective way to strength train at home. I have different bands for different parts of my body. For example, I use red (medium) for my arms and torso, and blue (extra heavy) for my legs. Giant pubes still haunt me in my dreams, but what I gain from using Thera-Bands makes it worth it…I think.
I have an…abnormally large head. I also have bangs, so it’s imperative for me to keep the hair out of my face while making sure that the gourd on top of my shoulders doesn’t interfere. Goody StayPut headbands are the only thing I’ve found that achieves both. They come in lots of different colors so if you’re into…matching your hair accessories with your shoelaces, I’m sure that can be accommodated. I, however, am overwhelmed when it comes to thinking of anything that doesn’t involve matching black with black, so I stick with the basics.
I bought myself a Wii Fit for Christmas. I don’t know if it is uncommon to buy yourself gifts for birthdays and holidays, but regularly wearing a t-shirt displaying Michael Jackson’s cover of the Thriller album makes it hard to find friends who are willing to buy you things. Anyway, I fucking love the Wii Fit. I mostly do Yoga with my fione ass trainer when I am too busy (lazy) to go to the gym:
Giggity.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I once bought a balance ball, Pilates bands (same thing as what you have) and they came w/ a pilates video.
They give my living room color.
We also got the Wii Fit. I kinda avoid it…..it’s mean. When I haven’t been on in weeks/months, it gets an attitude with me. And it’s condescending with my shitty balance. Dude i don’t NEED THE PRESSURE.
-.-
I’m alright.
Actually, I’d prefer to hire Bob or Jillian to be my personal trainer. No, Jillian. I need some hard-assed bitchery to get my ass movin.
I’m not sure what it says about me that I look forward to your blog updates like Cheney anticipates the new “Guns and Ammo” each month, but it is liberally coated in Awesome Sauce (your blog, not Cheney), and I thought you should know.
I also respond well to the semi-abusiveness of the WiiFit. Every time I hear “Oh!” in that tone that screams “One at a time, lumpy!” instead of the encouraging “Great!” from the smug little munchkin-voiced Balance Board, a small part of me wants to rise up, cry “havoc!” and release the dogs of whoop-ass. But the rest of me says “Aww, it’s only randomly judging me because its faceless megacorporation creator cares.”
I’m a little bothered by its frequent check-ups on my activity, though. If I wanted a paranoid interrogation every time I tried to have a little fun, I’d go back to dating men.
@Lilly,
The Wii Fit is a little mean. Kind of like being in an abusive relationship…it tears me down, but then encourages me and makes sure that I’m getting enough sleep, so I’m like hey–thanks for caring.
Help me
@Claire,
It says that you probably have a severe lack of shame, which in my book, is a gift.
At any rate, thanks for the props (do people still say that?).