Pissing the Night Away

I recently woke up in the middle of the night with an all too familiar “I’m fucked” feeling. After peeing, I confirmed my status while thinking about how I needed to delete the porn off of my computer before hanging myself with the shower curtain. Burning during urination is fairly routine for me, but I could tell immediately that this was definitely not a routine burn. It was more like the kind of burn Michael Jackson went through when his Jheri curl went up in flames while he was filming that Pepsi commercial. Only this time, my vagina was the Jheri curl.

I tried to remain calm and forge on by myself, but when I realized I was out of AZO, I broke down harder than Dawson did that one time Joey…well, who the fuck knows.

So there I am at 3am, naked and crying in the hallway when my boyfriend comes out, wondering why I look like I just gave myself an abortion. I try to explain myself, but luckily his deductive skills are better than most, so he was able to translate “it h-h-huurts to p-p-aaaaay” into “I need some AZO now.”

Unfortunately, AZO couldn’t help me this time. After two days of wishful thinking I went to the doctor and once again, explained how my pussy had betrayed me.

Which brings me to my point: I’ve been sucking a lot of dick lately. My boyfriend refuses to touch my vagina in fear that he will anger the tyrant who controls the army of bacteria in my urethra. I even tried bargaining with him, asking if I could use my magic wand while I suck him off. No deal. Ultimately, I knew he was right but part of me hoped that he would be really irresponsible and fuck me, then let me eat ice cream for dinner. So, this means that I have been sucking his dick, because at least it will result in one hell of a deposit for the ole spank bank.

I hope this never happens to me again, but if it does, I now know to cry silently to myself.

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